I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything