i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.