yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.