This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
