dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
