I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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