if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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