She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
