Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
