I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
