Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
