I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
