I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
