The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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