this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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