Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
