i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
