I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
