____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
