Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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