tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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