You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
