Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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