chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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