please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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