omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
