scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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