I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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