Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
