Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
