You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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