2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
