I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
