I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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