I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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