Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
