Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
