you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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