i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
