so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
