I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
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And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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