I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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