He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
