I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
