I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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