I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
