His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
