did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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