Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
