i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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