my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
