Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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