I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
