Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
