so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
