Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
