Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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