My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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