i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
