I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
