He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
