You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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