A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
